Marriage is one of God’s greatest gifts. Yet, in the busyness of everyday life, couples can drift apart without realizing it. Between family life, work, and responsibilities, many couples struggle to find time to intentionally invest in their relationship.
At an upcoming Cove Marriage Retreat, Gary Chapman, counselor and best-selling author of The 5 Love Languages, will encourage couples to pause, reconnect, and grow together in their relationship with God and each other. In this Q&A, Chapman shares Biblical wisdom and practical insights on strengthening marriage—from understanding love languages to navigating conflict in a Christ-centered way.
Q: Many couples today feel overloaded by the pace and pressures of life. Why is it so important for couples to intentionally step away and invest time in their marriage?
A: I think we all need to be reminded that life’s meaning is not found in the things we possess. Life’s deepest meaning is found in relationships—first, our relationship with God, and second, our relationships with family. If we are married, that should be our most meaningful relationship. Marriages are either growing or regressing. They never stand still. If we drift, we will drift apart.
So, let’s put the oars in the water and go forward. That is why attending a marriage conference, or a class on marriage taught at your church is extremely important. For years, I have encouraged couples to attend a marriage event once a year for the rest of their lives. You are never too old to learn. My wife and I have always felt that if we go to a marriage event and pick up only one idea that enhances our relationship, it was worth the time and effort of attending.
Q: What are some of the most common misunderstandings about love that you see in marriages today?
A: I believe the greatest misunderstanding is that we tend to believe what makes me feel loved will also make my spouse feel loved.
A wife in my office once said, “I just don’t feel any love coming from my husband.”
He replied, “I don’t understand how she could not feel loved.” He went on to say, “I wash the dishes every night. I vacuum the floors every week. I mow the grass. I wash the car. I help her with the laundry. I don’t know what else I could do.”
She responded, “He is right. He is a hard worker, and I appreciate all of that, but we don’t ever talk. We haven’t talked in 20 years, and I feel so distant from him.”
He was a sincere husband who was loving his wife in the way he thought was meaningful. However, her love language was “quality time,” and he was speaking “acts of service.” That is why my book, The 5 Love Languages, has helped millions of couples learn how to discover and speak their spouse’s love language.
Another common misunderstanding is that love begins with a feeling. Now, “falling in love” does begin with a feeling, but that stage of love has an average lifespan of two years.
Enduring love begins with an attitude—a fixed way of thinking. The attitude of love says, “I am in this relationship to enrich your life.” With this attitude, we are willing to learn to express love in a language that is meaningful to the other person.
As Christians, we also have the help of God in developing an attitude of love. “God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us” (Romans 5:5).
Q: Many couples attend retreats hoping for practical help. What are a few simple habits that can strengthen a marriage day by day?
- A daily “sharing time.” Share with each other two or three things that happened during the day and how you feel about them. It’s a simple way of sharing your lives with one another.
- A daily time of reading and prayer. Read a short devotional together and pray together. Many devotionals include a printed prayer at the end. For couples who have never prayed together before, this can be a helpful way to begin learning how to pray aloud.
- Ask your spouse: “What can I be praying for you this week?” Their answer helps you pray more specifically and meaningfully for each other.
- Ask your spouse: “What can I do for you this week that would be meaningful to you?” Their answer can help you know how to invest your time and energy in a way that truly blesses them.
Q: Conflict is a reality in every relationship. What does healthy conflict look like in a Christ-centered marriage?
A: Conflict means we disagree on something, and we both feel strongly about it. Yes, we all have conflicts because we are human. We have different histories, different personalities, different perceptions, etc. So, solving conflicts begins with treating each other as human. “I will let you have different ideas and feelings than I have. I will respect you as a human.”
Once we accept this attitude, we will learn to listen to the other person’s ideas and ask questions to clarify what they mean and how they feel. Then we can honestly say, “I can see how that makes sense.” When each of us listens to the other with respect, we can then focus on, “How can we solve this problem?” When two people are looking for a solution rather than winning an argument, you will find something you can agree on.
Such differences can be solved in one of three ways:
- One of us may agree to go with the other person’s idea.
- We may find a meeting place in the middle of our two ideas.
- We can agree that we need some time to think and pray and maybe seek the wisdom of a friend or counselor. We agree to respect each other’s ideas in the meantime.
Q: When couples attend a retreat like this at The Cove, what do you hope they leave with spiritually and relationally?
A: I hope they will leave with a deeper relationship with God—that they will be looking to Him to guide their thoughts and actions in the future.
I hope they will have a deeper understanding of each other, and respect their differences.
I hope they will learn how to relate to each other as a partner, not an enemy.
I hope they will commit themselves to working through a Christian book on marriage each year in the future. Each will read the same chapter and ask, “What can I learn from this chapter?” and “What can we learn from this chapter?” This will keep them on a growth routine throughout the year.
I hope they will take advantage of anything their church offers on marriage enrichment.
I hope they will be open to helping other couples with what they have learned at the conference.
Gary Chapman will be sharing more Biblical wisdom on marriage at The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted retreat at The Cove, March 27-29, 2026. Although the event is currently full, you can still join the waiting list should space become available.
You can also browse other upcoming events at The Cove and plan a time to step away, grow in your faith, and reconnect with those you love.